which unfortunately seems like a lot.  occupational hazard, i suppose.  when you’re surrounded by booze and have to deal with the gen pop most of your life. can i just tell you? it sucks.  people suck. people are stupid. people are thoughtless.  people are self-centered.  if you’re in a position where you have to deal with general strangers and there are very little ramifications to their behavior, you’d see.

i guess you see it in every day life, especially where i live. i live in the city. um, the city in the united states.  the city in new york state.  because i think any large metropolis near where you live is “the city”.  today, on my way to work, i had my headphones on and it was early.  this kid got on the train, but i was too immersed in my magazine and my headphones.  i listen to my ipod at work, so i had it on volume control which unfortunately means i can’t drown out my surroundings.  i remember when ipods first came out. i thought, this is the end of the way we relate to each other.  we’re in pod land! i won’t, i won’t be that person.

of course, that was almost a decade ago, and i’ve found i don’t want to relate to most people.  why would i want to engage?  please. sometimes, i even just have my headphones on, dj like, but without music, that way if anyone tries to talk to me, i can pretend i don’t hear them.  like they don’t exist. because they don’t. not to me. i don’t want them to.  maybe that’s the thing about anyone who lives in a big city.  there are so many things that are so real, that the immediacy of it, sometimes you just have to ignore.  or you’d bleed; you’d die; your heart would break all the time.

oh, it’s not just big cities. it’s anywhere or anytime you feel like you’re in a war zone.  not of course to trivialize anyone who is in you know an actual war zone. like the congo or the middle east, or.  ugh. anyway, western guilt aside, we all do things for survival.  we all have ways of coping and staying sane.

this morning, on my way to work, this kid got on the subway.  he started his schpeel, “i’m not with a basketball team, i’m just a kid and i’m going to sing you a little song and if you like it, you can give me some money.”

my eyes were glued to my magazine, but i was startled by the woman sitting next to me.

“oh, shut up!” she exclaimed.  it seemed sort of mean, but it wasn’t as if i didn’t share here sentiment.  luckily, my headphones sort of drowned out his mediocre singing, but from what i could tell, it wasn’t anything i would have wanted to hear.  more accurately, it wasn’t anything i wouldn’t have wanted to avoid.  the lady and i were exiting the same stop, and as the train came to a halt, i saw the young man confront her.  i heard her raised voice, “oh, you think so? why don’t you GET A JOB? GO TO SCHOOL.”  hands jammed in my pockets and music pumping straight to my ears, i thought of his hopes and her disdain and glad i could hide in my headphones.